Today was not such a bad day. At work, we ran out of orders to do... So kinda slow. But then I came home, played WoW for a bit and got taken out to dinner by probably the least expected person, and I didn't have to paaaaay. That's always nice. And and and, I am still full. And really tired.

But anyhow, saving money is going good, and I am really optimistic about all of this, I don't think it will be that hard at all. And for now I just work and zone out and stay sane and keep myself as happy as I can be. Things will work out okay, I know they have to. I can feeeeeel it. Yap.



Bright city lights and big, big city nights;
here the hand that feeds you bites you, dear.
Fear not...
Bless your troubled soul,
but there's hope for all.
For a bag of cash you can always
turn your profits in...

Yeah, no one reads this anymore and I think I am done with you.

Thanks to Taylor: My bed gets sick of your body the way the moon gets sick of the stars.

No more caring about other things.
Nothing helps me, nothing except myself.

Focusing on me. Time to be selfish.
That's right, and that's how it's going to be.

It's so not worth it to give up pieces of myself in vain.
I can't afford to live my life like that, I'll never get to Selah at this rate.

Everyone can deal with their shit on their own from now.
No spending money, no loaning money, no nothing.
No extra effort from me, since I'm not getting any help.

It's time for us all to be adults.
Harsh and bitter, I know.

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired of everything.
I'm done.



I'm ready.

Does anyone believe in devotion anymore?
Or at the very least, conviction for something?

It seems everyone's so willing to just cut and run these days.

In a few months time I am hoping things will be completely turned around.

I'm very proud of myself for keeping up with all these things. Not smoking. Not wasting my money. I spent twenty dollars the other day on my lunches for about a week and a half, and that would normally be two days worth of lunches if I had kept going out to lunch every day at work. I'm saving so much money. I haven't spent any money at all since then. It feels good to save money, for something worthwhile.

I don't really care anymore if anyone gets it. I don't mean to be insensitive. I just really need to focus on me, what I feel is right, what I know is right. What will make me happy. It's going to be tough to achieve, but I have some details worked out for now.

Jeff's mom knows the realtors that own every piece of property in Selah, she told me she'll put in the good word for me when I can get up there, to get an apartment. And I can stay at Jeff's house until I get a job and an apartment. It should all work out fine. The only issues now are saving money, and breaking the news to my father, I guess. I'm not looking forward to the latter.

In other news, life is tedious, I am sick. I am kind of embracing it, because I know I caught it in Selah, from Jeff in all likelihood, whatever this is. A cold I think. Mmmm, Selah Sickness. I know, obsessed. I can't help myself.

OH, and thanks to Lizzie, check out this piece of beast:
Dan The Man (a.k.a. one of my supervisors) = "How's the WoWmance going? Did you get any experience points? Did you level up?"



Be my light in the darkest of days; be my heart in the darkest of nights.

This place makes me so sick in times like this.

I hate seeming ungrateful for what I have, or making people think they aren't good enough for me or something. But I really can't stand it here. I can't really even explain it. It's hard having to be on the verge of tears all day. It's not a problem, it's not a mental issue. It's that I had something really amazing, something that I should have had a long time ago. It's not fair that I couldn't, and didn't. That I had to work my way through relationships I forced along, and made believe they were worth something. Sure, I learned from them. But that's all I have left from them. This boy is the nicest boy ever. This boy cares, and I can feel it this time, rather than just forcing myself and others to believe that he does. I can feel it. You know? I am very happy to have come this far. To have actually made some progress in this. But the next few months are going to be tough as fuck. So please don't give me shit about being rude or "emo". I don't want to have to explain myself again, if you know what I mean. I want to zone out until I can make things better, and save my money every single place I can, so I won't be doing much of anything. I just want to start. Now. You know? Maybe you know.

Either way... There's nothing I wouldn't give.

haha


fuck




TOMORROW?
wow

I'm so down with Mondays, and Tuesday's are only half as good. But either way, Metal Monday was decent as fuck and today is pretty damn okay. By the way, Metal Monday isn't anything in particular, I just call it that because Mondays always seem to go amazing for me. Yap.

But anyhow ummm. I found out why I was freaking out so much last week, and thankfully that is over. I won't say here, if you really want to know let me know and I'll most likely tell you, depending on who you are... And some of you already know, but eh. Anyhow, I am glad it's over, I wasn't myself and shit was very bad for those couple of days. Fucking mood swings, nervous breakdowns, whatever.

I am so ready for Friday. Come on, bring it, as Cobra Starship would say.
I am so wearing my new Cobra Starship shirt and I could not be happier about it.

Hmm, nice curveball.

Here's to awkward first impressions and not knowing what the fuck is wrong with your brain.
How do I work through something like this?
And even more important, why is it happening like this?


We ARE all alone, yeah?

I can't really explain what's going on.

I know earlier this week I wanted to be mute, and that was that. I was just tired of talking and reacting to shit, and the world in general. As of last night I became horribly angry at everything, and it's been that way, and still is that way, right now. I don't know what it is, I don't think there's an explanation. Maybe it's all the Midtown, maybe it's lack of sleep (even though I have gotten a bit more than usual), maybe I just really need to leave here. I don't know. But I am starting to doubt everything I want, and I feel like my directions are changing, and I don't want to deal with anything. It's kind of bad. I can't even feel God in anything today.

"We're too young ... I hate to love you. The night sky hangs above you, but you can't be missed if you never go away..."

I don't really have anything to say, today was another of those days where I felt like I was being a super bitch. I'm sorry, again. I need to take a chilllll pilllll. It doesn't help that my mp3 player batteries died, rawr. No more Midtown in my ears makes me a sad panda.

8 days, 7 at midnight.

Days are getting more and more annoying, I hope I'm not being too big of a bitch to anyone. Shit's just difficult, for many reasons. Sorry.

So as of today, ten day wait, now. At midnight I'm in the single digits, whooo! Today got shit taken care of, very slowly. It seems most of my life is now composed of waiting. Waiting for DVDs to rip, waiting for vacation, waiting in waiting rooms, waiting to make sure people are okay. But everything is ready for my trip so waiting feels even more pointless right now. But oh well. It's almost here, ya'll!

P.S. Wendie, I know I mention Cobra Starship everywhere, or at least Gabe. Haha. I really am obsessed. New favorite band of all time, totally kicked 30 Seconds To Mars down a notch. Can't help myself! I love you, girl. ♥

with Cobra Starship.


Like seriously.
I am in love with the fact that I have loved Gabe Saporta for 4 years and not even realized. And with the fact that a snake sent from space told him how to dance and make beats. I love him and his ideas. AND the music. Oh lord, the music. It's perfect. Completely.

I spent 20 dollars on one of their shirts.
In hopes that my 20 dollars will help them take over the world.

" I know I'm young, but if I had to choose her or the sun, I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun"

I only think in the form of crunching numbers.

The trip has been planned, paid for, and is set in motion.

As of March 30th at approximately 5:15pm, I will be in Yakima and with The Boy, oh dear. For those of you who aren't counting down like I am, that's thirteen days from now. It's going to be great, really. Things have been working themselves out so well and I know this will be just the same. I am so very excited, ahhh. This is big.

Other than that, don't ask because I have no clue what else is going on in life, this is all I can think about. Oh, Circa Survive on the 25th. Yay! Lizzo and I. And ummm. Really, nothing else. Just waiting for all these things to happen.

And I have never been so anxious in my life, I think.
Gul dern it.

I loved it with every musical fiber within me at one time.
I still do, now.

Today Jeff and I did planning about my trip to Washington.

We first decided on trying for me leaving next week, but figured that would be too early, short notice for work and plane tickets and whatnot. And we came across this brilliant plan... I leave on the 30th of this month, come back on the 9th of April. The 30th is a Friday, then the weekend... Then it's Jeff's spring break, for that whole week. Then the 9th is the day he goes back to school. So I will get a whole ten days with him, and... AHH. It's cheaper than the original plan, and any other one we could come up with. I'm hoping my job is okay with the whole ten day thing, because simply 7 days or less is not going to be good enough for me. And I hope it's early enough notice. I really do.

Pray for me, send me good vibes, cross your fingers, wish me luck.
Whatever it is that you do when someone really needs and deserves something,
please do! Because... Ahh. I need this. And have waited a freaking long time.

I just want it to go smoothly.
And I want it to work out.

PLEASE.

Though this dichotomy has brought me to my knees,
you'll always be the only one who feels like home.

I feel like such an avoider lately. I don't mind it, but I don't know how everyone else feels about it.
Oh well. I guess I have my phases. I just feel like I don't want to have any distractions lately.
From what? I don't know. I just want to keep things simple, have things to myself.
I still want to sleep for a week straight, maybe it could clear my head a little.

I have been confiding in song lyrics a lot lately.
Finding a lot that strike a particular chord with me.
I've been keeping track of them all.
Someday I might find some use for them.

If you lived here, you'd be home now.